Two and two together, forever

Thank God for the Feminist Majority Foundation. Seriously.

If not for them I'd have forgotten entirely the woeful state of gender equality in this and all other nations. I'd have forgotten about the hopelessly disproportionate amount of household labor women do, even as freshly laundered clothes found their way mysteriously into my closets. I might go a day without being reminded of the sex slave trade in South East Asia and the continent of Africa, hip-deep in mutilated pre-teen genitalia. So too might the consistently powerful made-for-TV performances of Valerie Bertinelli pass my sphere of perception totally unnoticed.

Yes, I might have missed all of that.

And now, continually reinventing themselves, some good news from that stalwart source. Ripped from their headlines: the pill prevents cancer, and other things.

And not just one particular drug, any will do. Ladies who take absolutely any "oral contraceptive" have a far smaller chance of developing "heart disease, stroke, some cancers, and high cholesterol" than those who use Norplant, the Pope-sanctioned rhythm method or even those who impregnate themselves to save failed relationships.

But how is this possible? The pill is a generic term for many kinds of medications that prevent untoward baby-birthing in a variety of ways. How can all of them prevent all those things?

Well, let's investigate.

See if you can spot a trend: Heart Disease . . . Stroke . . . High Cholesterol . . . Cancer . . .

The common denominator is stress.

Ortho-Tri-Cycline's ability to curb acne? Stress again.

And nothing spells stress like U-N-W-A-N-T-E-D P-R-E-G-N-A-N-C-Y. Nope. Nothing quite as stressful as accidentally ruining your life, then raising a child amidst the post-partum rubble. Probably more stressful would be not raising the child at all. Yessir, either would suck.

Personally, I'm sure that mere second-hand contact with the ubiquitous pill has lowered my risk of heart disease and stroke significantly.

So really, it seems like most dangerous ailments women risk later in life, along with the cosmetic ones they have in youth, are all traceable to horny asshole boyfriends [identifiable by their distinctive mating call: "rubbers is too constrictive"], and are remediable with a daily dose of prevention.

That is not to say abstinence.

According to the Hollywood Upstairs Journal of Medicine, the leading stressor for young men is getting blue-balled by their prude girlfriends. If they all have heart attacks, with whom will you populate the world once you actually do want to have kids? You'll be up a creek then.

So keep those gents alive. But remember, the pill don't stop syphilis and it won't keep him from sleeping with your best friend.

Please, choose your emotionally crippled and sinful liaisons carefully.